Attention Travelers!

Now, Im not one to cry mysteria, but I think things have gotta change. First off, I was in the mad streets of Luxbourg, when the policeman goosed me and said I shouldnt have been wearing bark. Thats not a complliment in Dacron, where I know the bark well. We movewd on, unconspicuous of the many dry parks they try to pass off as 'Consumerist Welfare'. Again, thats not at all what I am about.

I am truly about the proper marketing of a product that you not only need, but never knew you wanted. Its like this: Imagine you really need a shower, not only do you smell, but you are covered in spray paint residue and are still swilling from a bottle of mint flavored ammonia. You need a plan, or all the learnin you've picked up will go to waste. You need a CRABuddBY. Its a CRABBY BUDDY in one. He's the one who will tell you 'hey man, that latex paint may coat your stomach like Pepto Bismol, but its way more expensive.' and other shit to ruin your awesome plans.

I mean, I find it really startling that I ccant just walk into a restaurant and look at the menu without being reminded that I am not one of them. I suppose its because I refuse to wear their earpices, which seem cumbsome at best, to an advanced Claviphonophile as myself. Be sure its in my newsletter. I also mentioned it at my most recent bridge club (i clubbed the fuck out of south!). These things are useless though, once you have seen the light of viable market products.

Life is funny like that. Once day you are scraping the callouses off your enormous big toe with a filthy cracked fingernail, and the next day you buy some nail cutters and a pumice. It can happen just like that, people. Mark my word.

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