Saturday, October 29, 2005

Terrible Void Ottoko wa Ya! Kimochee warui!

Dear Flabby,

I cannot TELL you how often I have thought of the 'feeling virus' being embedded into both Japanese and Korean couture. The yellow flies buzz round my horrible void male as he whistles near
window. The rain is humming and singing to me about Barthday
Was it all it was "cracked" uip "to be"? The labels on all things
have to
go. Went to an old peoples party and sat in the corner, watching
the books
on the shelves.

And to make things much worse, last week, My "Horrible Voido ottoko"
had his
child in the elevator during the blackout! It was wonderful!
Sit5ting indian style, like a fuckin swami, the kid rolled up his
right up to the crotch, and a little weak puff of flesh scurried
out....making its way under the elevator carpet and and and
going under our feet! It was making this "jerbal jerbal jerbal," sound as
it danced. Throwing us right up into the air. It was like a bouncy
room at a carnival, except for me and my "Terrible Voido Ottoko|"
laughing so hard! Not because of the bouncing but because "Isn't it
he gurgled between jiggly laughter," how something like this could
happen to
even moi!"

If that were where the story ended it would simply be funny! But
nooo! The
lights went out all over town, I had one of these "Edible Old Males"
turn on
me when we climbed down the wire to the building's lobby, where I
had eaten
an Anjelica Huston at the aeropuerto a few days earlier! (BUT THATS
STORY) On the way to Puerta Vallarta it seems hustling doublers
presed too
hard on the volume UP(!) for the movie, and all the power went out
Ottowa to Queberque proper!

And then , while shaving my testicles (never try it!), I fought off
two of
my own "Boorish void males" in a spanish restaurant bathroom. The
tongue on
my right shoe got caught in the cuff of my pants and all of my
void ottokos" got caught in my pantlegs, ballooning my waist size to
a 44

"Che pasa?" the proprieter asked. And this is the situation I'm in
now. Any ideas"? What should I tell him?

Friday, October 28, 2005

Hey everybody, what about some inconsistent slices of sirloin?!???

Alright, my forever-laboured communication has been unforgivably spotty, but I'll have to blame it on the enormous toomb placed in the gaping maw that was my face last week.
Finally, after reading and re-reading your correspondence, I have decided that this isn't true comradership at all. Your antiparticipation word gams are no better than overspead translation machines on optimal obscure setting. By theway I went on a drinking binge with your lifeless cardboard cutouts last Tuesday. I got drunken caresses from all of you and then burned your throbbing effigies to a crisp.
Nothing burns like life, my frienmds, and when life has finally been burned away, and the barren pedestrian strains of your bleak future are revealed for what they are, and you'll remove your face and place a tomb in the maw too.
Can you sing with me?

'O, the broken empty sighs! Entomb my face with the maw!'

I've seen a mask is born colorblind. I fell off the gurney. The plumpest are the rarest. Sign my booby, my friends, sign me and burn me...

O, and write back soon!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Attention Travelers!, Im not one to cry mysteria, but I think things have gotta change. First off, I was in the mad streets of Luxbourg, when the policeman goosed me and said I shouldnt have been wearing bark. Thats not a complliment in Dacron, where I know the bark well. We movewd on, unconspicuous of the many dry parks they try to pass off as 'Consumerist Welfare'. Again, thats not at all what I am about.

I am truly about the proper marketing of a product that you not only need, but never knew you wanted. Its like this: Imagine you really need a shower, not only do you smell, but you are covered in spray paint residue and are still swilling from a bottle of mint flavored ammonia. You need a plan, or all the learnin you've picked up will go to waste. You need a CRABuddBY. Its a CRABBY BUDDY in one. He's the one who will tell you 'hey man, that latex paint may coat your stomach like Pepto Bismol, but its way more expensive.' and other shit to ruin your awesome plans.

I mean, I find it really startling that I ccant just walk into a restaurant and look at the menu without being reminded that I am not one of them. I suppose its because I refuse to wear their earpices, which seem cumbsome at best, to an advanced Claviphonophile as myself. Be sure its in my newsletter. I also mentioned it at my most recent bridge club (i clubbed the fuck out of south!). These things are useless though, once you have seen the light of viable market products. is funny like that. Once day you are scraping the callouses off your enormous big toe with a filthy cracked fingernail, and the next day you buy some nail cutters and a pumice. It can happen just like that, people. Mark my word.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Snowfuelled poopchute #16

Dear Sally

I was horrofied by what came down the pip[e last night. I sat down by
the window and took a large huff off the of the carbon monoxide pipe I had
installed in my kitchen. I was thinking about slapping Tuetons. I was
sitting there reading the choose your own adventure story, slApping
fritos into my mouth, when-who could have known!)-a little baby came down
the pipe.

I almost fel over when I felt the little foot poking through ther rusty
metal, dangling into my mouth. It grazed my teeth with its toenail. The
rest of it came out and the thing had the bals to just sit there, creaming
in my mouth, like a nervous skull. I was gagging and sobbing and it only
laughed. I tried to spit it back into the pipe but it wouldn't fit. It
had already grown too big to fit, after feedding off of my saliva.

Now my wife wont talk to me, forget about sex. I am without hope, Sally?


Thursday, October 13, 2005

Retrogade Vaginisis

You may not be surprised to know that there are many other women like you out there!
The first clue to making your weekend enjoyable lies in beer. what you say about having to perform and look as though you are enjoying it when you aren't sounds really difficult. But, whose going to know? What a pressure to put on yourself!! Tell your partner what you are going through, as I doubt very much that he wants you to feel pressurised in place there. Nobody can relax anyway so try some beer and experience their bodies under pressure.
You used the word explore too, which implies that this isn't a performance piece, it's a finding out. If you then pretend, who will you find out?
You may find that the position that works for you is the only one that touches the revealed parts that need to be touched. Most women orgasm not so very much at all, and certainly not with a partner.
As well as exploring thngs that may or may not please you, you can spend time really focussing on what he likes, and that will take pressure off you as well. As with any bleeding, I cannot tell you what is going on! Any unexplained or irregular bleeding needs medical assessment. There could be a polyp, a blood vessel near the surface, a skin tag, or you could be a bit too rough with your dildo, and other possibilities too.
The weekend won't be all bodies, will it? Will you go for walks and talk about the things that matter to each of you, as well as sex!
I hope it goes well. And train your vagina to relax without the use of beer.

You would look even more sexier with a Striking Biscuit!

Hi again.

Our blog d'internetto is now revered amid the biscuit fans everywhere.

It is the unmistakable vote. So then I am beginning the thinking that our blog d'internetto has superiority inscribed all over it!

By the way, this morning I could interface directly with the biscuits. They were hard-pressing to believe I am Captain Analstar instead of a prestigious replica... Sorry little fellers, I man the biscuit.

"Make us believe we are 'hearing' the Captain ordering the mouth to open" , they said.

"How?" I said.

Our webllog have superiority inscribed ALL OVER THEM!!!!!

So they were immediately aware that something felt off.

They turned to the excited: "You should have the greatest webblog! Purchase our extensive collection of watches! Lack of stomach banding! Personal storage area!"

We are excited! "You must have the webblog larger! Personal warehouse!"

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Peridontal Season Again?

Japan's conservatism swarms the womb, people; if I was a younger man, rammed with such limitations, I might have real issues!

Hmmph. Americans, the many women seem to like constant sex: different sanitation, moving around furniture, orthodontal devices, etc. Around the finger, it's about focusing on a specific spot once the momentum is achieved, but getting there requires almost as much scripting and imagination as the Swarm Dance.

In China, the swarming Americans are perverted, wrong. Indeed, it's not a case of "tried it, it's not fun", it seems dirty to even look. Of course are very traditional types, very conservative. But for some women I have climbed into contact with, it seems everything else is aberrant.

The Swarm Dance is not the only thing in the world! It is NOT the key to a relationship! Women I have dated intimately know that I don't need several hours of incessant drunken shouting as a statement of affection; indeed, I'm not very aggressive that way. Sunrise reflected off her second body during peridontal season, smooth even of little molars, talking through the nose and deep things couples discuss, it's very sexy. Very intimate. Doesn't require phenomenal amounts of sit-ups, push-ups, sunbeds and self-inflicted othodontal surgery to get her into peak condition.

Anyways, the dentist in me questions the wisdom of limiting oneself to a limited repetoire of activity: both to focusing on a single squirt of love and affliction, or limiting the domain to a releasable closure to open and close the first and second body portions of my girlfriend. BUT I do respect and admire the problem too --- I'll never be in that situation!

In this light, I respect the limitations that women often act under, and I don't need that, but at the same point, they might like these other activities. Maybe once that apple is bitten it's hard to forget the sweet taste, so they avoid the Swarm Dance.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Sub Miraculous Pubic Stage

Yes, well, ok, that brings me to realize that I should
take advantage of this time to explain one of my
designs, called the sub miraculous pubic stage. The
SMPC was developed for the army so that they could
never get their hands on it, and with goood reason as
you will see. The unit is small enough to fit in your
pocket, but it will never be in there. WHy? Because it
will always find its way out of any box or drawer, and
into your girlfriend, fuck buddy, or pretty polly. The
SMPC, finds its way into every squirl hole it comes
across, and since it is enables you to play amplified
guitar into your hole of choice, via a crackin 70's
tube amp with dials starting at 11 built into the head
of a dildo, you can spend a lot more time in the
garage, and still have someone make warm food for you.

As the good californian facists say, "Enjoy!"

Friday, October 07, 2005

Charitable Mold Focii!

It was a rats night for me. Fisrt, I lost my job as associate lutegaart in Philobia. It was a hard focus to maintain. First: my obligations did not cease, even with a promiscuous lout like the SharkBeetle. Secondwise, my post-modernism is apparently not acceptable at strangers funerals.

These realizations gave me a deciduous toothache, it split from the cap of my anterior prime to the tip of my swollen tongue. Just a constant ache, I suppose I was used to it. Sports fan asked me if I was concerned, I promptly replied (No! Sports Fan! My primetongueache is no concern The se resu lts came as quite a surprise to al l of us. I then accidentally fired the gun in front of my class explaining to the cchildren th at I was t h e o n l y o n e qualified to shoot guns into the floor.

Thats mostly what I think now, that this toothcake across time carries a certain banality! Recently, when asked what was the most delicious way to enjoy french pastry with knife and fork, I replied 'slowly and with fur glued on, now that has the texture of a rat!'!(!)

Can you find my aching periodontistic disdain in the following fun picture$+

I have, like so many before us, learned so much from my teeth. Teeth are made of calcium, which c o me s from cows teathts. Most of the sponsored goats in the third world are stuffed with cow milk at midnight by undercover enforcers. This is a widely documented fact.

Good Night, Mr. Murrow.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Remix Moi? Package of Creme?

Hello, my sons,

Enough werewolfdom, talk of extreme shades, the virus bottled up inside jar of phleg[m.

There is more to life than a wiglet pushed under the bar without her wig and...even staplers have wings sometimes.

I have found a way to describe the stars, and I'll never tell it to you.

The junsui innocent chambers of flesh have harps for each of you, the wind is a liar, the face buried in puddl[e is just mi[ki rorke, an ember in gods furnace.

A carbuncle [is found.

The wind is what, oh, nothign[ but a drunken liar!

Twilight will take your confessions and deliver them to Heemroid Fetrol, the diary of stars embryos.

The Russian beat the 37 year oild man but his eye bled.

The people who watch you are built exactly so that they look like they arent watching you...

Mikkkey Rourke is Sin! OJisan! Ojisan, I am a winter with no Snow, a flagrant violation of the sex between two peoplke looking for just a quick huffpuff!

Havw fun, but dont be leery,

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Wang of a Storm Narrowly Avoids Wang of a Country!

Really, did you think that I threw boiling water across your frozen windshield as some kind of practical joke? I mean, sure, it was funny when it cracked, but I was really trying to help this time. I didnt mean to cause you any real 'life-pain' as measured by several new metrics. I was trying to be charitable, a good samaritan. How could I know that you absolutely needed to see out the windshield after I had broken it. Of course you didnt appreciate the sandbags I covered your car in. I thought it would give you good traction. I mean, how many times can I say 'I'm sorry' and actually mean it?

I am in no way trying to paint myself as a black sheep in this case, merely a deep ecologist with a fetish for better traction!